Love.

I yelled at God last night. I yelled so hard. I was angry because I kept asking for answers and while I was yelling at God I realized that I had never really come to him alone in a long time. I had always asked other people to pray for me. Last night was a pure conversation with God, regardless of the yelling and crying. I was intimate with God for the first time in a very long time. What brought this on was a discussion I had with Chelsea where I broke down like a child again..I don't want this life I am living. I want something more and I want God to lead me there and I felt like I wasn't getting any answers or guidance. Well, today I may have gotten a job..as well as a way to fix my car..can I get an amen?

I also had a conversation with a certain someone last night for quite a few hours. This person is very important to me. I figured out that I love this person deeply. Not necessarily romantically but to the point where I don't care who he is with in life just so he is in mine because I care so deeply for him as a friend that I couldn't allow myself to lose him. He is always  there when I break down, when I am happy..all the time. I regret that I never saw it before. But I hope that these new changes may make the new path a little clearer and a little brighter for us both. Even though we both are in a strange place in life at the moment, we have faith.

I was so angry last night. For some reason, my rage turned into comfort. I guess that was God's way of invading my spirit last night.  I felt so abandoned. To some degree, I still do, but tomorrow doesn't look so unpleasant anymore.

I still look around me, and nothing I see is anything I want. I pray for guidance for the life I am meant to live. I just want to use what I have for the good in the world. I am sick of the evil living inside me. I am sick of the evil all around me. I want to leave and taste what life has to offer and touch heart of the world along the way. I can't let this anger and misery destroy me anymore. I am breaking the habit.