Carpe Diem

I ache.



I want to run. So far, so fast.


my spirit is dying, longing to be set free.


I take it.


I take it all.


They say fight it.


maybe..



I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops, as they’re falling, tell a story

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Don’t say I’m out of touch
With this rampant chaos - your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape

behind the eyes of a fallen angel

So insignificant, sleeping dormant deep inside of me,
Are you hiding away, lost, under the sewers,
Maybe flying high, in the clouds?
Perhaps you're happy without me...
So many seeds have been sown in the field,
And who could sprout up so blessedly,
If I had died I would have never felt sad at all,
You will not hear me say 'I'm sorry'
Where is the light, wonder if it's weeping somewhere?
Here's a lullaby to close your eyes.
It was always you that I despised.
I don't feel enough for you to cry,
Here's a lullaby to close your eyes
Goodbye.

Μόνο.

You were my fire, so I burned... til' there was nothing left of me
I... I touched your face, I held you close... til' I could barely breathe
Why give me hope, then give me up... just to be the death of me
Save the rest of me...

Cuz I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away
I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate

Now... now and then, you come around, like there's something left for me
We were one... we were everything
I'm still here... but I'll just keep the rest for me

Cuz I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away
I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate

We never made it... you hesitated... I don't believe

That I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away
I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate
Cuz I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away
I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate - hesitate

You were my fire, so I burned... now there's nothing left of me...








To many:
Sometimes I feel like I left who I was behind. Like you still have me, and revenge on you would set me free. I sacrificed so much when I was unable to. You deserve nothing and yet you go on. How do I do that? Wait, I was the only one who had a heart. You are so heartless and so unbelievably cold. How did I never see it then? I want to rip you apart in so many ways. You have no idea what you did to me. You have no idea what I did for you and I never got a thank you or even a hint that you cared. You are worthless, and yet you have this power over me.



I feel so utterly alone tonight. 


I am many broken pieces.


Some of which I have lost.


Where am I?


Someone find me.

It's time.

Life can be so cruel. I can feel so cold and unlovable. Who am I today? I have so little energy to give but so much I want to do. I love you..but I am filled with so much hate. When can I open my eyes again? When will this nightmare die?

She haunts me. She is the evil one. She is me.

She shows me the anger I feel. She shows me how to hate, and how to destroy. She is the sadistic one. She wants to escape. She is me.

She is trapped in a world where her screams are silenced.. She takes it out on herself. She has to punish the one within. She is torture. She is me.

How do you destroy her?  She is me.



The healing process can be a bitch sometimes..

your face, it haunts me.

I want a new life. I am ready to move on from this one.. I am ready to do what God has planned for me. I am done being miserable in a boring life that is not meant for me.. I know there is more than this, I am ready to find it. The fear of failing haunts me with every breath I take. But, I think with what has happened, the fear can screw itself. I am done. I want to move on. I want to live for once. We all have paths we can take, the one to happiness may not be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. I am ready. Life is not a fairytale story for me, it is a war story. I will fight. I will get tired. I will die trying. I would love support and understanding.

CUT

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame aged
With misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut 

your heaven's trying everything to break me down..

Really life? really? I can't take anymore.
I am so sick of this.
I am so sick of people.
I am so sick of life.
I am so sick of me.
I am sick of silence.
I am ready to crawl in my hole and never come out.
I want to be happy, but um...when everything just crashes down on you ALL THE TIME and people like to make it worse it's kinda hard to be. so um, deuces.
Those of you who said you were there aren't, and I basically mean all of you, so if you're reading this and think that you are, you're not. I am forgotten, as always. Ya know, it's so funny that people act like they're so concerned but they're really not, when honestly they wouldn't know if I am alive or dead the majority of the time. hm..
just forget I exist, it will be easier for me to disappear.

Love.

I yelled at God last night. I yelled so hard. I was angry because I kept asking for answers and while I was yelling at God I realized that I had never really come to him alone in a long time. I had always asked other people to pray for me. Last night was a pure conversation with God, regardless of the yelling and crying. I was intimate with God for the first time in a very long time. What brought this on was a discussion I had with Chelsea where I broke down like a child again..I don't want this life I am living. I want something more and I want God to lead me there and I felt like I wasn't getting any answers or guidance. Well, today I may have gotten a job..as well as a way to fix my car..can I get an amen?

I also had a conversation with a certain someone last night for quite a few hours. This person is very important to me. I figured out that I love this person deeply. Not necessarily romantically but to the point where I don't care who he is with in life just so he is in mine because I care so deeply for him as a friend that I couldn't allow myself to lose him. He is always  there when I break down, when I am happy..all the time. I regret that I never saw it before. But I hope that these new changes may make the new path a little clearer and a little brighter for us both. Even though we both are in a strange place in life at the moment, we have faith.

I was so angry last night. For some reason, my rage turned into comfort. I guess that was God's way of invading my spirit last night.  I felt so abandoned. To some degree, I still do, but tomorrow doesn't look so unpleasant anymore.

I still look around me, and nothing I see is anything I want. I pray for guidance for the life I am meant to live. I just want to use what I have for the good in the world. I am sick of the evil living inside me. I am sick of the evil all around me. I want to leave and taste what life has to offer and touch heart of the world along the way. I can't let this anger and misery destroy me anymore. I am breaking the habit.

Drink bleach.

How many times do I have to explain myself?If you all care so damn much go look it up yourselves. Would anyone like to donate money to the "Brittany has no job and now her car is effed up" fund? I would  do just about anything. It is just so awesome to have to go through all this already and have to have bills out my ass that I can't pay and now a car that is royally screwed as well and if I had a job maybe my dad wouldn't be saying he is almost as crazy as I was. How does that feel? THANK YOU to all of you who ruined that for me I really really fucking thank you for kicking me out of a job that I loved and now making my dad ill because I don't have one and now he is saying he is going to die because of all the damn bills he can't pay because I don't have a damn job over the stupid bullshit that guess what...WASN'T TRUE. Hey, I don't care if anyone gets mad I tell the truth and get mad all you want. I am pissed as hell. I gave my all and that wasn't ever fucking enough, for anyone. Not my job, my family, boyfriends..NO ONE. I GIVE UP. Who wants to go on a permanent vacation? I am so game.

What doesn't kill you..

I can't say today will be a day of hating the world. I am angry still, but a little less today.  I have slowly begun to start living again and it's actually going quite well for the time being. I am enjoying the time I have for myself for once, and that's a big leap from the once terrified little girl I once was.  I only wish my heart wasn't so silent, ALL THE TIME. There are some things I wish I had a little bit of guidance.  Maybe I can't handle it right now or maybe I don't want to know.  I keep thinking of a Lady A song in my head...how funny. I might as well post the lyrics.


You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet


Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

One day you will
Oh one day you will


of course, being the big baby I am I cried the first time I heard this song.  So, I love it.  Look it up, Enjoy.

Abandoned.

I found some things I wrote months ago, I though I might share some of them to prove that none of this happened over night.

9-20
Well, I guess I am healing. Everyday seems like it is getting a little bit harder. I put on a fake smile and walk with courage and faith. One day, maybe I will believe it.  Everyone is a ghost to me...I feel so far away from home. They say it will get better, but  I just can't see it. I want my life. I am tired of struggling.  All I feel like doing is running away.  God, where are you? My pleas are unheard, my life is forgotten. I have been abandoned.

There are more but I won't put them on here because they reveal a little more than I would like to share to those who do not know what is going on.

Lyrics..
Another day in this carnival of souls
another night ends, ends as quickly as it goes
The memories are shadows; ink on the page
and I can't seem to find my way home.
and it's almost like, your heaven's trying everything
to keep me out.

I can't say what I feel today. I am a little numb.

I want to take my time for me, all me.

So sitting in the lobby waiting on the damn therapist for about oh, 2 hours, gave me time to write. So, I'll post a little bit of that on here today.

12-2
Again, life has shown me never to trust anyone. No matter how much you think you can, they will always manage to find a way to hurt you.  It has been two weeks and three days since the incident. I have yet to try "normal" again.  I know everyone is waiting, but I just don't feel ready yet.  This is healing, I am sure of it.  I am just not ready to live.  The world cannot wait on me forever... I feel like I have a new feeling, not that I didn't get pissed off before, but I curse any object just for being positioned in a way I deem annoying.  I feel like every fucking person is annoying.  Anger is easier to deal with than sadness. It is easier to harm myself than someone else.  All these women come in in high heels and their hair done and shit, I would love to trip them...I said I am healing, that doesn't mean I can't have some sadistic humor. I am still angry. Very fucking angry. I am angry at those who refused to stay in my life and try to help me. I was not special or worth it enough to take the time to try and understand. I am angry at myself for letting those people into my life at all. I am angry at the friends I have lost. I am angry at the doctors who did not read the signs. I used to know where my life was going. Now, I have no idea. Is it wrong to say I am OK with that? My spirit aches to be free. No plans for now. I want time for me until I am done healing.

With that said, if the language offends you, then don't read it. I have come to the conclusion that those who say they support me and understand really don't. They're just trying to look like the good ones in the battle between good and evil. I am not a fool. I will do this with or without you.