Carpe Diem

I ache.



I want to run. So far, so fast.


my spirit is dying, longing to be set free.


I take it.


I take it all.


They say fight it.


maybe..



I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops, as they’re falling, tell a story

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Don’t say I’m out of touch
With this rampant chaos - your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape

behind the eyes of a fallen angel

So insignificant, sleeping dormant deep inside of me,
Are you hiding away, lost, under the sewers,
Maybe flying high, in the clouds?
Perhaps you're happy without me...
So many seeds have been sown in the field,
And who could sprout up so blessedly,
If I had died I would have never felt sad at all,
You will not hear me say 'I'm sorry'
Where is the light, wonder if it's weeping somewhere?
Here's a lullaby to close your eyes.
It was always you that I despised.
I don't feel enough for you to cry,
Here's a lullaby to close your eyes
Goodbye.

Μόνο.

You were my fire, so I burned... til' there was nothing left of me
I... I touched your face, I held you close... til' I could barely breathe
Why give me hope, then give me up... just to be the death of me
Save the rest of me...

Cuz I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away
I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate

Now... now and then, you come around, like there's something left for me
We were one... we were everything
I'm still here... but I'll just keep the rest for me

Cuz I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away
I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate

We never made it... you hesitated... I don't believe

That I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away
I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate
Cuz I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away
I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate - hesitate

You were my fire, so I burned... now there's nothing left of me...








To many:
Sometimes I feel like I left who I was behind. Like you still have me, and revenge on you would set me free. I sacrificed so much when I was unable to. You deserve nothing and yet you go on. How do I do that? Wait, I was the only one who had a heart. You are so heartless and so unbelievably cold. How did I never see it then? I want to rip you apart in so many ways. You have no idea what you did to me. You have no idea what I did for you and I never got a thank you or even a hint that you cared. You are worthless, and yet you have this power over me.



I feel so utterly alone tonight. 


I am many broken pieces.


Some of which I have lost.


Where am I?


Someone find me.

It's time.

Life can be so cruel. I can feel so cold and unlovable. Who am I today? I have so little energy to give but so much I want to do. I love you..but I am filled with so much hate. When can I open my eyes again? When will this nightmare die?

She haunts me. She is the evil one. She is me.

She shows me the anger I feel. She shows me how to hate, and how to destroy. She is the sadistic one. She wants to escape. She is me.

She is trapped in a world where her screams are silenced.. She takes it out on herself. She has to punish the one within. She is torture. She is me.

How do you destroy her?  She is me.



The healing process can be a bitch sometimes..

your face, it haunts me.

I want a new life. I am ready to move on from this one.. I am ready to do what God has planned for me. I am done being miserable in a boring life that is not meant for me.. I know there is more than this, I am ready to find it. The fear of failing haunts me with every breath I take. But, I think with what has happened, the fear can screw itself. I am done. I want to move on. I want to live for once. We all have paths we can take, the one to happiness may not be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. I am ready. Life is not a fairytale story for me, it is a war story. I will fight. I will get tired. I will die trying. I would love support and understanding.

CUT

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame aged
With misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut 

your heaven's trying everything to break me down..

Really life? really? I can't take anymore.
I am so sick of this.
I am so sick of people.
I am so sick of life.
I am so sick of me.
I am sick of silence.
I am ready to crawl in my hole and never come out.
I want to be happy, but um...when everything just crashes down on you ALL THE TIME and people like to make it worse it's kinda hard to be. so um, deuces.
Those of you who said you were there aren't, and I basically mean all of you, so if you're reading this and think that you are, you're not. I am forgotten, as always. Ya know, it's so funny that people act like they're so concerned but they're really not, when honestly they wouldn't know if I am alive or dead the majority of the time. hm..
just forget I exist, it will be easier for me to disappear.