Love.

I yelled at God last night. I yelled so hard. I was angry because I kept asking for answers and while I was yelling at God I realized that I had never really come to him alone in a long time. I had always asked other people to pray for me. Last night was a pure conversation with God, regardless of the yelling and crying. I was intimate with God for the first time in a very long time. What brought this on was a discussion I had with Chelsea where I broke down like a child again..I don't want this life I am living. I want something more and I want God to lead me there and I felt like I wasn't getting any answers or guidance. Well, today I may have gotten a job..as well as a way to fix my car..can I get an amen?

I also had a conversation with a certain someone last night for quite a few hours. This person is very important to me. I figured out that I love this person deeply. Not necessarily romantically but to the point where I don't care who he is with in life just so he is in mine because I care so deeply for him as a friend that I couldn't allow myself to lose him. He is always  there when I break down, when I am happy..all the time. I regret that I never saw it before. But I hope that these new changes may make the new path a little clearer and a little brighter for us both. Even though we both are in a strange place in life at the moment, we have faith.

I was so angry last night. For some reason, my rage turned into comfort. I guess that was God's way of invading my spirit last night.  I felt so abandoned. To some degree, I still do, but tomorrow doesn't look so unpleasant anymore.

I still look around me, and nothing I see is anything I want. I pray for guidance for the life I am meant to live. I just want to use what I have for the good in the world. I am sick of the evil living inside me. I am sick of the evil all around me. I want to leave and taste what life has to offer and touch heart of the world along the way. I can't let this anger and misery destroy me anymore. I am breaking the habit.

Drink bleach.

How many times do I have to explain myself?If you all care so damn much go look it up yourselves. Would anyone like to donate money to the "Brittany has no job and now her car is effed up" fund? I would  do just about anything. It is just so awesome to have to go through all this already and have to have bills out my ass that I can't pay and now a car that is royally screwed as well and if I had a job maybe my dad wouldn't be saying he is almost as crazy as I was. How does that feel? THANK YOU to all of you who ruined that for me I really really fucking thank you for kicking me out of a job that I loved and now making my dad ill because I don't have one and now he is saying he is going to die because of all the damn bills he can't pay because I don't have a damn job over the stupid bullshit that guess what...WASN'T TRUE. Hey, I don't care if anyone gets mad I tell the truth and get mad all you want. I am pissed as hell. I gave my all and that wasn't ever fucking enough, for anyone. Not my job, my family, boyfriends..NO ONE. I GIVE UP. Who wants to go on a permanent vacation? I am so game.

What doesn't kill you..

I can't say today will be a day of hating the world. I am angry still, but a little less today.  I have slowly begun to start living again and it's actually going quite well for the time being. I am enjoying the time I have for myself for once, and that's a big leap from the once terrified little girl I once was.  I only wish my heart wasn't so silent, ALL THE TIME. There are some things I wish I had a little bit of guidance.  Maybe I can't handle it right now or maybe I don't want to know.  I keep thinking of a Lady A song in my head...how funny. I might as well post the lyrics.


You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet


Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

One day you will
Oh one day you will


of course, being the big baby I am I cried the first time I heard this song.  So, I love it.  Look it up, Enjoy.

Abandoned.

I found some things I wrote months ago, I though I might share some of them to prove that none of this happened over night.

9-20
Well, I guess I am healing. Everyday seems like it is getting a little bit harder. I put on a fake smile and walk with courage and faith. One day, maybe I will believe it.  Everyone is a ghost to me...I feel so far away from home. They say it will get better, but  I just can't see it. I want my life. I am tired of struggling.  All I feel like doing is running away.  God, where are you? My pleas are unheard, my life is forgotten. I have been abandoned.

There are more but I won't put them on here because they reveal a little more than I would like to share to those who do not know what is going on.

Lyrics..
Another day in this carnival of souls
another night ends, ends as quickly as it goes
The memories are shadows; ink on the page
and I can't seem to find my way home.
and it's almost like, your heaven's trying everything
to keep me out.

I can't say what I feel today. I am a little numb.

I want to take my time for me, all me.

So sitting in the lobby waiting on the damn therapist for about oh, 2 hours, gave me time to write. So, I'll post a little bit of that on here today.

12-2
Again, life has shown me never to trust anyone. No matter how much you think you can, they will always manage to find a way to hurt you.  It has been two weeks and three days since the incident. I have yet to try "normal" again.  I know everyone is waiting, but I just don't feel ready yet.  This is healing, I am sure of it.  I am just not ready to live.  The world cannot wait on me forever... I feel like I have a new feeling, not that I didn't get pissed off before, but I curse any object just for being positioned in a way I deem annoying.  I feel like every fucking person is annoying.  Anger is easier to deal with than sadness. It is easier to harm myself than someone else.  All these women come in in high heels and their hair done and shit, I would love to trip them...I said I am healing, that doesn't mean I can't have some sadistic humor. I am still angry. Very fucking angry. I am angry at those who refused to stay in my life and try to help me. I was not special or worth it enough to take the time to try and understand. I am angry at myself for letting those people into my life at all. I am angry at the friends I have lost. I am angry at the doctors who did not read the signs. I used to know where my life was going. Now, I have no idea. Is it wrong to say I am OK with that? My spirit aches to be free. No plans for now. I want time for me until I am done healing.

With that said, if the language offends you, then don't read it. I have come to the conclusion that those who say they support me and understand really don't. They're just trying to look like the good ones in the battle between good and evil. I am not a fool. I will do this with or without you.